3.12.07

So, I have had a change of address. One could say that I’ve moved back to Singletown, population: 1. It’s been a week, and like every other situation in my life, I’ve ended up taking a neutral standpoint on it. I’m the human equivalent of Switzerland. (Actually, it’s not so much “neutral” as it is…undecided. In my mind, each thought contradicts the next.) Those of you who know me, know “neutral” is a blatant lie. And those of you who don’t, well, I guess you just found out. But isn’t a girl who’s been moderately emotionally stable for the past couple of years entitled to a good cry? Depending on your gender, you’re probably having mixed reactions right now. Ladies, thank you for agreeing. Men, the correct answer to that question is “yes”.

The more I experience “love”, and all “love” related situations, the more I wonder about it. Countless songs have been written on this subject. Love being the greatest, love gone wrong, love lifting us up where we belong, love this, love that. Also, about half of the literature of the world has been written about it. (Don’t quote me on that statistic.) In “Love is Real” by Jason Mraz, he sings, “it [love]’s not just something you thought you felt back in high school”. I would have this tattooed on my arm if it didn’t seem so hypocritical. (As an unrelated note, do you think old men regret the tattoos of their youth? Like when you’re 80 and have the fading portrait of a mudflap girl tattooed on your saggy arm, do you think there’s any regret?) (Also, I lied. I wouldn’t get a tattoo if someone paid me a large sum of money.) I don’t doubt that there are high school couples who genuinely DO love each other, but I think the majority of us are lying. Deep down, when you breathlessly utter “I think I love you” (while avoiding eye contact, naturally) for that first time, do you? Really? Since grade school, it’s been hammered into our heads: there’s the whole bit about sitting in a tree, followed by kissing, which leads to love, directly resulting in marriage, then along comes a baby in a baby carriage! Are we really falling in love, or do we just assume that it’s the next logical step, after we’re done making out in a tree? (By the way, I am not drawing on personal arboreal experiences; I’m just following the rhyme. However, to anyone who has been in that situation, I’m thoroughly impressed by your cat-like balance.) Or maybe, it’s our knee jerk reaction to being in a relationship slump. When you shake your Magic 8 ball and ask, “where is this relationship going?”, do you just see a road of “liking” leading to the horizon? Is this actually the heartbeat of an exciting relationship flat-lining? Maybe we pretend to be in love to break up the monotony of a future of “like”. (As a quick side note, I feel very strongly towards people who say ‘I’m in like with him’. First off, it’s stupid. Second off, it doesn’t even really make sense. Why not just say you like him? But wait, maybe I jumped to conclusions. Maybe I should be applauding them for not lying about being in love? …Nope. It’s still stupid, final decision.)

Or maybe, we just claim to be in love to screw the other person over. Maybe we think it’s what our significant other wants to hear, so we say it to appease them, regardless of what we actually feel. In my opinion, this is the worst motive.

Anyways, back to the beginning subject. I shouldn’t have cried. And I don’t mean that in a “women-in-today’s-men-driven-society-can’t-show-any-form-of-weakness” way. In fact, the reason why I stopped was when heavy weight champion Logic won over “The Emotion-ator”. (Let’s pretend that was an awesome wrestling analogy.) I won’t go into specific, miniscule details, but let’s just say the method of breaking up involved message windows popping up on my PC. I thought of Sex and the City’s Carrie being broken up by Berger on a post-it. I’ve considered this from a clinical standpoint, and I ask you, is it too much to ask for a breakup that appropriately reflects the quality of the relationship? Maybe I wasn’t just crying because I was losing a boyfriend and a friend, (I admire those couples that are like, “we didn’t work, but let’s still be friends!”. I’m much more “we didn’t work out, you need not to exist”.) but because he couldn’t be bothered to pick up his cell phone, scroll through to “Kyla”, and call me. Maybe he didn’t want to be the bad guy. But here’s a tip, guys: trying to avoid the awkward break up conversation, THAT’S what makes you the bad guy! I do not mean any of this to be a bitter, passive aggressive, retort at my ex. In fact, I hope he’s happy. (To clarify, I do not mean that in a “well, I hope YOU’RE happy!” way.) But in my mind, you just moved into a cave in Serbia-Montenegro, and are hereby cut off from any form of communication with the outside world.

At the end of the day, maybe I lied. I’d like to believe that I truly experienced inconvenient, core-shaking love, but maybe, subconsciously, I couldn’t handle the impending monotony. Maybe I considered it to be a logical step forward. Maybe I just wanted to see his reaction. So, my closing thoughts are such: the more I marvel at “love”, the more I realize it’s an endangered species of emotion. Maybe it should just be accepted as an unattainable state of a relationship, reserved only for Hollywood and long distance commercials. Or, maybe someone should make a flow chart, to help people correctly identify how their feeling. “If you really think you’re in love with someone, then…”