4.6.07

As I sit here, clicking my retainer on and off my teeth, I wonder: is there anything more attractive to a man than dental gear? Here’s how I see things happening in the future:

Man: Hey, Kyla, that was really average
Kyla: Thanks, I’m glad we had that moment of mediocre mattress mambo
Man: Whatcha doing there?
Kyla: You know, just popping in my retainer. *click* Wouldn’t want the hundreds of dollars my parents spent on orthodontics in my adolescence to go to waste!

(Orthodontics sparked something in my mind. Ready to see how I can relate anything to a TV show? The moth joke on Scrubs. I will now try my hardest to transcribe the joke, and hopefully not butcher it.

Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, “I think I'm a moth.” And the dentist says, “Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?” (Oh no, I forgot the punchline, stall!) ...So the moth says, “That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?” And the dentist says, “Well, I'm a general dentist, but I do dabble in orthodontry…braces and such.” And the moth says, “Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that.” (oh, because the light was on!) “But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!”

Oh, Scrubs. How I love thee.)

How disappointing is it that I’m only mediocre in my own scenarios? This feels rather blog worthy. Perhaps I will abandon my quest to find what dental gear is sexy. Tonight, I was on the Victoria’s Secret website, and I came to the only conclusion possible: VS models were sent here to make us normal females want to give up. In a world of Gisele’s and Heidi’s and Adriana’s, where do we rate? I was told, by two people who I think know me best, that I had self confidence issues. Which, somewhat ironically, made me feel even worse about myself. No, I do not parade around, fishing for compliments. Yes, I am my own biggest critic. No one knows my flaws better than me. I can alphabetize them, even recite them backwards (from purple to one…teen girl squad reference, hey-oh!), but I’m not hiding in corners thinking “if only I could blend into this taupe paint!” I think I’m a pretty shy, quiet person. I’m a firm believer of many things: FOIL-ing, not talking with your mouth full, and most pertinent to this discussion – not talking unless you have something interesting to say. Why fill the air with word garbage? Does my silence translate to lack of self confidence? I didn’t think so, but apparently…

So, let’s make this interactive: What are you most self conscious about?

But! To answer your (erm, my) original question, one day, I will find a man who will appreciate my mediocre mattress mambo skills. And we will have matching his and her retainer cases and be mutually glad that our parents didn’t waste their money. One day, I will find my own Mraz. Or BJ Novak. Hey, where’d that come from?